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If you're like
me you get jokes in your email box everyday. And since us
Eubanks'
love to laugh, I thought why not share the jokes. So if
you've heard a good one, send it to me and I'll post it here to
share with everyone else. Just remember,
this is a "FAMILY" site.
I'll
add new ones every few days so if you like jokes you better
check back.
THE POTTY
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His
mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in
to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but
about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips
onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on
top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy are you all right? You've been
in here for a while.
Billy says: " I'm fine mommy... I just haven't gone 'doody'
yet."
Mother says:"OK, you can stay here a few more minutes.
But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: " Works for ketchup."
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
...And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting
about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,
"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
...And then the fight started...
When I got home last
night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station...
...And then the fight started...
..And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunk man swinging his drink as he
sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'Good Lord!!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
...And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You
know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was
a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are
you?'
...And then the fight started...
Don't Fart in Bed
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me
know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her
gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't
stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see
a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts
out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then
one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all
the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took
the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could
hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears
in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him
back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She
bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned
me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife
Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God,
some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back
in."
Subject: Why you never
ask a drunk a question!
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
The Aging Process
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to
start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night
while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write
it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream
- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
A senior citizen said to
his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior'
widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I
know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually
at 7P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he
brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs,
and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur
and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous
dinner, it was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner
drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I
enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then,
we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely
crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with
me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't
go out with him?"
Edna: "No,no,no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
Three old guys are out
walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor,
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty "
Morris, an 82 year-old
man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the
doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur. Be careful.'"
Three men were discussing
aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said
the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most
of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat
bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of
all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
A distinguished young woman
on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father,
may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well
over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under
your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what
do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Next.
Fishing Buddies
Two guys are sittin' in a boat fishing and suckin' down beer when
all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife
- she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women
like that are hard to find."
Children in church
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down
the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and
roar. So it went,step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way
down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked
what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the
Ring Bear."
One Sunday in a midwest
city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship
hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order
in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called
loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for
me!"
One particular four-year
old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those
who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy was overheard
praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry
about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday School teacher
asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the
big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old
pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from
a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's
Adam's suit".
The preacher was wired
for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly
about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he
moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little
girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie, and
her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister
had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two
men standing by the door? They're hushers."
My grandson was visiting
one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God
are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
A ten-year old, under the
tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable
about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by
asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary
or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was
studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the
last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not
take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
Two guys were discussing
popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said,
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to
his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come
from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"
A doctor examined a woman,
took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your
wife at all,"
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."
An old man goes to the
Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living
with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So
Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
Two Mexican detectives
were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
The investigation of Martha
Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you
boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
Moe: "My wife got me to
believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah.
Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from
surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used
in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
While shopping for vacation
clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It
had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in
one."
In school one day, the
teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw
materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children,
if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it
be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because
gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said,
"I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold
and I could buy a Porsche"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam
stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the
sports cars parked outside of our house!!"
Single guy decided life
would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After
some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug)
that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.
He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church
with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like
to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But
there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about
going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there
was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few
minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask
him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's
house and shouting,
"HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN
ABOUT THE LORD?
(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)
A little voice came out of the box....."I heard you the first
time.......I'm putting on my shoes!"
My mailbox is being flooded
with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott
oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants
or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions
proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc.
I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves
both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful
and cheaper than buying gas. And I pay them in Pesos so they have
to go home to spend it. I love it when a plan comes together.
A company, feeling it was
time for a shakeup, retires their old CEO and hires a new one.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on
a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know
he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you
make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's
four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty
good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and
asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's."
Always wear clean underwear
in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car
break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry
on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife
returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable
to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A man feared his wife wasn't
hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a
hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there
is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the
Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if
she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on
until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he
was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's
see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about
30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no
response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Bubba Eubanks applied for
an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern
boy I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
The Eubanks were shown
into the dentist's office, where Mr. Eubanks made it clear he
was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras,
Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy
stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients
were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which
tooth is it?"
Mr. Eubanks turned to
his wife...
"Show him your tooth,
Honey."
From Donna Eubanks: I don't
mean anything by this, just thought it was funny.
Subject: FW: Email from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and
sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told
God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5%
are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down
a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another
angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned
he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline;
95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were
good, because He wanted to encourage them, to give them a little
something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.
Another From
Donna Eubanks:
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and
sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug
goes flat after I draw it, wouldn't taste better if you bought
one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm
in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this
way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for
each o'my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that
this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes
a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders
three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders
two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for
a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's
just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that
Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking..........Hasn't affected
my brothers though."
Another From
Donna Eubanks:
A Priest, A Penetecostal Preacher and A Rabbi
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and
to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching
to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be
to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it Seven days later,
they're all together to discuss the experience:
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages, relates first. "Well," he says, "I went
into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began
to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing
to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed
my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation. "
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an
arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we
don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to him f rom God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing
to do with! me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle.
We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we
came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy
Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital
bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks
up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until
you try to circumcise a bear."
A husband walks into Victoria's
Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the
more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest
item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents
it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks,
"I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow
- and get a $500 refund for myself.
So she appears naked
at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good
Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
A 90 year-old man went
to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how
he was feeling. The 90 year-old said " I've never felt better.
I have an 18 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think about that ?"
The doctor considered
his question for a minute and then began " I have a friend who
is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going
out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella
instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime
beaver sitting beside the steam of water. He raised the umbrella
and went "Bang, bang." And the beaver fell dead. What do you
think of that ?"
The 90 year-old said
" I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied .
"My point exactly."
Grandma's Birth Control
Pills.................
The doctor that had
been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally
retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor
was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you
realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep
at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure
you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly
help you sleep!"
She reached out and
patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And
believe me; it helps me sleep at night.
Sent by Gary Tuller
Andy wakes up at home
with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and
the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass
of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Andy looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins
and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping ... Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure as god made little green
apples there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His
son is also at the table, eating.
Andy asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself
a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Andy asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave
me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover
- $100.00
Broken furniture -
$200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing
- Priceless
ABBOTT
AND COSTELLO MEET THE 21ST CENTURY
(Sent by Patsy Gail Eubanks Jones)
ABBOTT:
Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:
Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking
of buying a computer.
ABBOTT:
Mac?
COSTELLO:
No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT:
Your computer?
COSTELLO:
I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT:
Mac?
COSTELLO:
I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT:
What about Windows?
COSTELLO:
Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT:
Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO:
I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT:
Wallpaper.
COSTELLO:
Never mind the windows I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT:
Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO:
No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT:
Office.
COSTELLO:
Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT:
I just did.
COSTELLO:
You just did what?
ABBOTT:
Recommended something.
COSTELLO:
You recommended something?
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
For my office?
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:
Office.
COSTELLO:
Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT:
Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:
I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
ABBOTT:
Word.
COSTELLO:
If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?
ABBOTT:
Word.
COSTELLO:
What word?
ABBOTT:
The Word in Office.
COSTELLO:
The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT:
The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:
Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT:
The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO:
I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute What do I need
if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT:
RealOne.
COSTELLO:
Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT:
RealOne.
COSTELLO:
If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT:
Of course.
COSTELLO:
Great! With what?
ABBOTT:
RealOne.
COSTELLO:
Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOTT:
You click the blue 1
COSTELLO:
I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT:
The blue 1.
COSTELLO:
Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT:
Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO:
What word?
ABBOTT:
The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:
But there are three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT:
No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO:
It is?
ABBOTT:
Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Word's left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO:
And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT:
No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO:
Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But
I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What
do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT:
No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO:
What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT:
Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO:
I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?
ABBOTT:
Just one copy.
COSTELLO:
I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT:
No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO:
Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT:
Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO:
Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your
money?
ABBOTT:
Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO:
Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
You sell money?
ABBOTT:
Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
My two-year-old daughter, Paige was with her mother while
her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself
busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that
her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her
mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy,"
she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard
over the radio at an airport control tower:
Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."
Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000
over that pad!"
There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he
hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Dear friends:
Being
retired and with the economy being so bad and the stock market
going down, our monthly pension payment is quite small now and,
even with social security, our funds don't reach as far as we
would like. We now shop more conservatively and often visit
Walmart for bargains.
I just wanted to share this new secret with my many friends.
We may have started a new revolution!!
My old JC Penney underwear was starting to wear thin and so
we came up with what we hope is a novel idea to stretch our
money. Please see the attached photo, which will explain this
new, no cost solution for underwear.
If you find merit in this, please forward to everyone you know
to help them get through this bad economy ---until better times!
Drug
components
They
finally released the ingredients in Viagra:
3%
Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
If
you have any funnies that can be added to this page please send
to Dick
Eubanks.
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